Crying Myself to Sleep (VENT POST)
I fucking hate myself tonight I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to be happy. I’m fucked I just….maybe I don’t deserve to be happy cuz I’ve never really put anything on this earth. I don’t even know how to express myself right now. I just feel like crying and drinking and getting high and falling asleep forever. And what sucks is I’ve been getting “are you okay” and “I care about you” texts and calls and my fucking best friend even came and took me out and made me laugh and talk about it and I came home to nothing but sadness and guilt and emotions I can’t even explain. I’m not sure what to do. I’m unsure of everything. I wish I wasn’t so dumb and useless. I wish I could just stop feeling anything. But at the same time I don’t. I’m fucking stuck in this unhappy place and it’s over some stupid phone call. Fuck you Nikki, fuck you for opening this wound that didn’t need to be fucking opened. Fuck you for leaving me high and dry and giving me all this time to get over you to just come back and throw the memories at me. Fuck you for making me the happiest person alive when we were together to cheat on me and break my heart. Fuck you for not giving a fuck about my emotions or me. Fuck you for calling me tonight just to prove that I’d drop everything for you. I’m so mad and sad and hurt and frustrated and confused. I don’t know what to feel, how to feel, what to say, what to do, what to be. I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t know how to be truly happy without you. And that makes me nothing. I don’t want to be THIS. I don’t want to be nothing. I don’t wanna be useless. I wanna feel whole again and I don’t know how to do that now. I know in a day or two I’ll be NOT sad but I’m not sure how long until I’m happy. Fuck you for doing that to me and fuck me for letting you do it.
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